Loves Western so far. =]

Everyone should come check out City of Angels November 4th!

I'll start by saying i'm okay right now. Things are working out for the better right now =]

On a damp late night you find yourself walking out of the light. It's only dark and cold. But for some reason your sense of fear has never come, as it once would. Nothing in the world can harm you. Your own angst is as fierce as a shiny bullet just shot out of a gun. It's been one of those day. And this cold damp late night is nothing compared to what you feel, eating away at your little pride you we're given. You feel it in the pity of your stomach burning cold. You feel so numb to everyones shit they try and take on you. You're done but you refuse to succumb to the only escape from it all. Why? You just admit to yourself you have little pride. What is at loss? Surely you will be missed, at least for a couple of days, maybe weeks. When your brought up in conversation beginning with "Remember when...". I remember when i was sure. That in itself made me happy. You're ignorance will take you to the top of the world, and reality will spit you back down to the floor of the ocean. You'll then drown in you self-pity, feeling stupid for trying, feeling failure, knowing that you're good... maybe even great, but not good enough. So then you start from scratch, and you begin with the things that make you happy. Now you're not going to fall again, you're just going to stay at the same level of happiness, where nothing can hurt you. Just get by and enjoy it. Escaping from it all was never always a bad thing. After all it's just judgement that you're sacrificing. Judgement from the people who barely cared in the first place. Judgement from people who may have been jealous of you and hoped for you to hit the wall anyway, secretly.

When you drop the glass, you have two options. You can sweep it under the rug, and pretend it never happened. Or you can throw it away, and buy a new one.

This won't make sense to you unless you're simpleminded.

Break the glass with you're angry fist, all you come up with is a bloody, bruised, ugly hand.

Reap the awards of miseries when dealt with confrontation, and shut the hell up.


Exhale.

I've discovered something.

Resolutions are so sad, and pathetic. You will never keep it. If you really plan to change up your life, you'll resign immediately to the poor habits that stop you from getting to where you want to be.

We live in this ocean you see? It's very simple. We all learn to swim, for the most part. But the vast majority sink, and a large selection struggle to stay a float, for others it's just smooth sailing.

I remain optimistic about many things. And I still am accustomed to playing stupid... but always, always looking at everything and examining it. Not judging, that's gods job. I've picked up an extra sense. It's called common. Most of the people I know don't have it yet. But I keep the faith of some.

Lastly, i've realized knowing alot of people hasn't done anything for me. I laugh at myself on that note. I will definitely be cutting ties with people who just are not worth my time. Not because I think i'm better than them, or that their better than me, although in some instances that's the fact both ways. It's just not worth getting involved with many people. Meeting this guy, this girl... become close with them for a little while, not see them for months, have the needless conversation when you run into them at Target about their lives that you really don't even care too much about, and you and them just nod heads, agreeing, life is what it's always going to be... "good, and you?... Nice seeing you"

Maybe my looking glass is dusty.

When you scream loud enough and no one cares to ask what's wrong, you run to where someone will care enough to.

I'm done with livejournal, and the "friends" that followed this. One day i'll spit the mud you kicked at my feet back at your face, and, sincerely, enjoy it.

http://anthonyjohnmendoza.blogspot.com/

Here I am. I should cry right now. But i'm trying on a new philosophy on living life. I'm trying to laugh it off. It's working. I just am at a point where I don't know what I have to do to fix everything in life. I feel so alone. No ones superman, but i'm at a less than medicore point of my life right now, and the thing that makes me run from it all will be coming to an end soon, then what? I'm scared of failing. But yet, i'm young and feel invincible, and thinking that I can't fail... that it's not possible, not yet anyway. I have too many abilities to become nothing. I look at alot of people are completely brain dead, who have things handed to them... and you know what, i'm jealous. Yeah, imagine that one. I wish I didn't have big things to worry about. I'd like it better if life was just a constant party, without the world spinning by green paper, that kills people, makes people feel alive... money is a poison, and I don't want anything to do with it, but you can't live with out it. You can't live with out the poison. I put myself in an aweful position by my choices, to better myself in my so called ability rather than work. It hasn't been a complete slap in the face. Right now, i'm just having bad luck. Even i'm wrong to say that i'm alone. I'd like to think i've made a few more good friends this summer, who could relate, understand, listen to what i say. But I just feel like a complainer. I hate complainers, and yet.. i love listening to people, and solving matters. I almost feel like I need a me in my life. Someone who walks upto me to ask me how i'm doing, rather than it being the other way around. This is the feeling of a loser. And as you're reading you might even be thinking "Anthony J Mendoza... the kid that knows a million people" lol. Life is funny that way, yanno.

Life is a cabaret.

The show is this weekend. It's came up pretty fast, mainly because the work ethic is really fast. I think you should come see it, it's good stuff for sure. I've sacrificed alot by doing this show, i.e. making money. I know I should've worked instead of doing this show, i've never been this broke ever. People must think i'm the biggest mooch. But, yeah, that's probaly true right now and I don't really like being that way.
As far as the show, it's a good group of people, they definitley care about what their producing. Many times you'll get the handful of people that just don't care, it's hard to find that with this group, and theirs about 70 people in the cast. I feel I do get along with the majority, and I know people probaly say things about me behind my back or a feel a certain way about me, but i've doing a great job at playing stupid and just ignoring all of that. I don't have much featured items in this show. No chances to really show off any acting or singing skills, contary to my shit auditions, but I do have some things that I get to do, which is good. For once i'm doing it and feeling less pressure to feel like i'm carrying anything and seeing how it is to be a member of an ensemble, which is very important. The challenge with a show like this, review show, is going in and out of different charactars, while doing costume changes and dancing my ass off/staying "fierce". I'm having fun, and that's all I did this show for. So come see it.

I'm overrated in the talents I actually pursue, and hardly seen and underrated in the talents I do for fun. I'm brilliantly immature, and most people think i'm kidding when i'm really not. I'm an asshole, i'm a sweet heart, i'm sweet and probaly more sour. I'm annoying, i'm chill. I'm skinny, I eat alot. I'm paranoid. I'm a jerk. I'm confident, i'm insecure. I deserve more, I deserve less. I'm a nerd. I have alot of friends, I have few friends. I know how smart I am, and I try not to show it, but I really can't change a tire. Everything said is true, and for most people.



At 20, here's my ignorant, blunt philosophy; there isn't a black or white in any person, we're much more complex than we're able to handle. So, we fight. I'm realistic. What are you?




"There is either the wisest madman or the maddest wise man in the world." - Man of La Mancha

Amen.

Oh, hey.

Uhm, I feel really unreliable lately. The money hasn't been rolling in like it was a month ago, and because of my stupid car tire blowing, getting around is tough again, cause theres a spare on temporarily.. so that is risky to drive. Rape me.

I hate when I get paranoid about my health. We've all been there (I think)... it's late, your by yourself and you notice abnormal, and you convince yourself it's something bigger than what it ACTUALLY is.

I ALMOST refuse to have any kind've summer romance. But in human nature, i'm flirting. But recently it's been with just one person. If you think you know who it is, you're wrong. Well, maybe. It's no one from Stratford.

Youth CONNection is good times. The people are fun, the experience is a good time. Like everything else, it was really amped up before going into it, and I understand why people grow to love it. I've had some luck these past summers landing in front of great directors, and people who know what their doing... two years ago, Tobi, the legendary Al Pia with broadways Kevn Gray, and this year the brilliant Scott Handley and infamous Scarpas (I know you love the titles, it's just respect). Each summer, i've eaten up the different styles and the variety of what each director has said to me. In my opinion, it's the best way of growing as an actor. Not to say i'm something brilliant, but I know i'm where i'm at now because of the different directors, and even tons of different actors, i've worked with. Namly these last 4 set of directers I just named. While all 4 have given me TONS of valuable information, they have amazingly given me different information, but none of it has contradicted the other. And each of em' are, needless to say, valid educaters as well as directors/acting coaches, in their own right. So, why all of this explanation? I'm not sure. I know this is where i'm supposed to be. And, so far i've played my cards right and accomplished. With every wrong there was a right, and with every doubt there was a light. I'm going to be doing this for awhile, every form of this art. Because it's what I understand, and if not it's what I care to learn, and can and will learn so much as the more years I do this art progress. BFA in Acting at MMC will be incredible for me, and from this, with all the internships my school offers, i'm really going to do what I have to do to be where i'd like to be. Really, one step at at time.


Btw, Plaza Suite at Square One was very good! Great direction, some surprisingly great acting. (Proud of my man Dan.) And everything about it was fantastic, pat yourselves on the back.

4 days til Dark Knight
11 days til Youth CONNection
42 days til Marymount Move-in.

Some peoples opinion and thought processes drive me crazy. I begin to wonder what the fuck goes through their mind. But now, at this very moment, I see, there is nothing I can do about it. So... whatever. Who loses? I do. I know i'm much beyond this.


Melissa Rampton, wow.

Marymount Manhattan College.

60 days til move-in. Am I ready? I'll be probaly writing this in a month and then again like 10 days before... and my answer will change accordingly. I'm SO excited. I'm getting out of here, but i'll be close enough to come back when I need to. I get my college email today, so that was the birth of this sudden excitement. Here feel free to email me (although facebook eliminates losing touch)

amendoza@mmm.edu

It's surreal. The past two years i've just been lost wondering where i was heading, and i finally have an answer. The answer is going to come with many struggles, and money problems, but you know, that's life. I think college is the best investment of anyones life, other than a house I suppose. College will help shape the type of person i will be for the rest of my life. Along with the struggles, i'm going to learn and see so much. Meeting SO many people in Manhattan, making new friends, staying on top of my work, and maybe a job! AGH, crazy. I'm an official adult according to age. You know how surreal that is? 10 years ago I was 10. And now i'm an adult? Woah, nuts. I'm loving the change. In 10 more years I think I will be looking back saying I made the right choice, in the midst of paying back tons of loans. Wooo.


Songs for a New World this weekend. Go see!

So the summer has begun. To grad party hopping to rehearsals to work, I will be busy, not to mention that little thing called getting ready for college. I don't wanna talk about that yet. I'll probaly cram it all together in August.
This weekend i'll be in Songs for a New World, in Trumbull..at PACC.. it's definitley going to be good obv, the cast sounds really great, and Scott Handley is hands down one of the best musical directors i've ever worked with. He knows so much about musical theatre. He's the best. Ok. The show is very worth seeing! I mean really, Garth alone is worth more than the $10 it cost to get in. I mean, really... ha.



18 Lindeman Drive Friday. 7:30, Saturday 2pm & 7:30, Sunday 2pm Trumbull, CT
It's fun times.


I'm going to do my best and just enjoy summer for what it is. I can't take it for granted and let things and/or people get in the way of my happiness because, hell, I do have alot to be happy for this summer. And i believe alot of my friends do too, whether they see it or not is beyond them and is their own concern.
Happy to say i've made more friends than enemies getting to know the Shelton crowd. Their a fun group indeed. They like me too, so this is good. At least I believe they do... you know how it is with theatre people lol. No, it's fine though.. their a good crowd. The managment in shelton has impressed me the most honestly. I do like how stern they are with rules and stuff. No fucking around. It just gets things done quicker. Stress-free.


Dan Rahrig is my new favorite person. You think i'm kidding. haha.

I'm not happy. As you noticed from my last message.
People have gotten to me. I have lost. I'm getting really fed up with arrogance, ignorance, and every form of the word. From this stupid person in the marymount group page, from people I deal with every night at rehearsal. Stupidity on my part, and theirs have gotten in the way of my happiness. Some things are my fault, other things are clearly not.

One thing I will add is i'm practically DONE with girls in Stratford and possibily all of CT. And just will not do it anymore. It's not them so much. It's me. I'm probaly not good enough... they make it clear. The sad thing is, neither are they. Woops. This town is full of people who have themselves under this magnifying class. I don't feel like elaborating on this.

Back to my first point. I'm having no luck in the things that normally make me happy. It's my fault. I've lost the definition of what talent is. Is their such thing as a person that can legit act and sing. Many people think they can... but they can't. And the sad thing is it doesn't matter if you can't act. If you can pop the notes, that's more important. And if you're sick or not up to prime vocally for the audition/ call back, this is jsut your loss. It's tough but that's just the way it is. The truth; everyone takes it too seriously, and everyone has 101 reasons why they deserved it. And while you're 100% right, you we're probaly still 100% wrong for the part anyway. Maybe i'm wrong.

I'm tired of people and their labels. But yo, i'm stupid... that's what life is about. That is truer than true. I'm in a state of mind right now where everything makes no sense but makes perfect sense. I'm providing a negative with a positive, a positive witha negative and coming up with no resolution. Fuck it. It wasn't suppose to be resolved, apparently.

Ever feel like you have millions of people that love you, but very few that like you? I'm going to shower.


"i suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal"

I haven't been on this shit in forever, so to update... i'm going to Marymount Manhattan College next year! I got into the BFA Acting program/ and the Musical Theatre minor... which is crazy tons of work, but to get into both is a good honor, so i'm doing it. For once, i'm proud of myself. I have the right to be.. I had shitty grades in high school cause pretty much all I did was theatre. But, I always paid attention... and knew that I was much smarter that I was percieved on paper. So, the year and a half of community school has paid off. Making the dean list 3 times, and getting all those core classes out of the way, without paying a fortune for something stupid like Math or English 101.

My Schedule next year:

Thtr games & Improv Mon./Wed. 10am-11:20
BFA Acting Tues./Thurs. 1pm - 2:20
Script Analysis Mon./Wed. 1pm- 2:20
Playwriting Fridays 2:30 - 5:20
Sociology Wednesdays 7:15- 9:55 (this is getting dropped)

I'm excited. I originally didn't go for the BFA.. i went for the ba acting with the musical theatre minor, but they requested and recommended me for the bfa acting major.. which is very cool. Marymount is a great school and in a nice location, the people that go there are my type of people. It's only an hour and half away, everything about it makes me happy. And i've already gotten to know a few people there, actually many people cause of the facebook group haha. It's all great.. potential best friends, new people, new surroundings, new problems! Yes!

I'm in Songs for a New world
and in Youth CONNection.

I'm feature a bit in songs.
Not so much in YC, i had a really weak audition, and rightfully wasn't given a featured role. Dissappointing but hey that's life.

Yes, i'm aware I haven't updated this thing in YEARS it seems. Things will change.

Post anything that you want, and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love -- anything. Nobody will know who you are, so be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your LJ) have to say.

I've taken quite an interest in the artist Seal lately. His music has alot of impact, and the lyrics are very well structured. For Those of you whom don't know who Seal is, just think "Kiss From A Rose", amazing song. If you have the time download "Prayer for the dying" and "Dont Cry" by SEAL. I think the music is amazing, but if you dont like the music at least listen to the lyrics, their pretty real. That's what i like.

"Crossing that bridge,
With lessons I've learned.
Playing with fire,
And not getting burned.
I may not know what you're going through.
But time is the space,
Between me and you.
Life carries on... it goes on.
Just say die,
And that would be pessimistic.
In your mind,
We can walk across water.
Please don't cry,
It's just a prayer for the dying."

"There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea.
You became the light on the dark side of me.
Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill.
But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and
The light that you shine can be seen.
Baby,
I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey.
Ooh,
The more I get of you,
Stranger it feels, yeah.
And now that your rose is in bloom.
A light hits the gloom on the grey.
There is so much a man can tell you,
So much he can say.
You remain,
My power, my pleasure, my pain"

Follies is annoying me.
        I kinda wanted to quit yesterday, but then i realized if i did that, i wouldn't be with all the amazing people that made me do it again in the first place. So, i'm in. Okay, in a matter of opinion, i really think Jersey Boys has the best music out of the shows were doing this year. I thought that since the beginning. So, she put Jersey boys as the second show... which is dumb... and its pretty much the shortest out of all the shows were doing. Even though it has the best music. I understand that its  only the four of us, so she wants to make it a bit shorter cause its not fair to the rest of the cast. But the song choices are lame. Were doing a quick medley, and then 2 solos........................ "my boyfriends back" which is 3 girls.... makes no sense, since we're NOT doing the dialogue for this show. SO pretty much, it will be jerseyboys, 2 solo songs... girls coming out of nowhere to do one number, and then the 4 guys reunite to sing this pretty sweet song. I'm happy to just be in it, cause the music is good, but i think their was some bad choices made. The other 3 guys feel the same way, and the music director. This sounds so stupid, i know, but when you see some of the other shows... and see that they have like 10 songs.. youll know what i mean. 

The show will be great as usual. But it could be better.